Let's Start At the Very Beginning

Granted, I do not have the benefit of a photograph to illustrate Sunday's dinner.  I will just need to describe it in great detail so you get full experience.

Picture it: It is 6 pm.  I had been waiting in the hospital since 11 am to get into my room (another story for different kind of blog).  Point being, I'm weary, I haven't eaten since about 10 am.  At this point I do not realize that my Lowered Expectations (to my family, insert song here) will actually be too high for the meal about I'm to unveil.

It's Sunday night.  I've been coming to this hospital for almost 20 years (wow that just blew my mind).  Sunday night is ALWAYS roast beef night.  It used to be that I looked forward to Sunday roast beef.  It would look like this: 4 or more slices of beef, that you could identity by not only sight, but texture, smell and taste too.  It was covered in a semi-pleasant beefy gravy.  I'd get mashed potatoes with it (the secret is to load the potatoes-from-a-box substance with butter, salt and pepper).  Along with this I would get corn kernels.  Years ago they abolished the corn for "carrot coins" - I have never gotten over that, but I digress....

I slowly lift the lid to reveal my meal....fully expecting the above description.....and instead....what IS that????  OK, the mixed vegetables, cooked beyond all bounds of reason, is not new.  The peas resembling tiny shrunken green raisins did not even phase me.  The mashed potatoes, made from a box of potatoes dehydrated flakes I'm sure, once again is not a startling sight (I'll talk more about their potatoes in another post). 

But the meat!  Flat in appearance, brownish grey, amoeba shaped, black-speckled, congealed blobs of fat around the edges.  I sniffed it.  Smelled faintly of garlic.  I puzzled over it for some time before I consulted the handy little piece of paper which accompanies your tray that itemizes all the contents. (They say this is for the kitchen staff, so they don't miss anything you're supposed to receive; I think it's really for the patients so in situations just like this one you can identity what you've been given.)  Ahhh.  Mystery solved.  "Grilled chicken thigh."  Usually there are some nifty brown lines painted on the meat when they say that is has been "grilled."  That must have been what threw me off, the absence of the brown painted lines.

I'm sure you're anxious to know....so here it is!  My first official review is as follows!

+1: couldn't figure it out by appearance
+1: couldn't figure it out by smell
+1: couldn't figure it out by taste
+1: it did not taste like "grilled chicken thigh with mashed potatoes and mixed vegetables" should
+1: raisin-like peas, stiff potatoes, rubbery chicken - definitely not the right textures
+1: overcooked (but let's be honest, even cooking this one to the precise temperature would not have saved this meal!)
+0: I can't really say this was the wrong meal altogether, although we can all agree I would have been better off if they did give me the wrong meal
+0: sadly, all the elements that were supposed to be there, was there
+1: overall the meal was not hot enough.  You need to see steam wafting up to at least get the illusion that you're about to eat something yummy.
+1: that chicken could DEFINITELY been pigeon.  Or maybe even cat.
 
8   Impressive!  Almost got Hospital Gourmet on my very first meal!  Awesome!!

Stay tuned for more reviews!
Your Resident Bond Gastronome

Have Some Fun With It

Here's how it all began.  I was admitted into hospital on Sunday and by Monday I was describing to my husband, in great detail, the "food" that had been delivered to me thus far during my stay.  I am not a first timer when it comes to hospitalizations - I know the drill.  I do not have high expectations.  Fresh vegetables?  Forget it.  Eggs that don't come from a box?  You're dreaming.  This time, however, the meals are particularly .... there is no other word .... awful.


My husband is the funniest person I know.  He can make me laugh at any situation.  He told me, "you have to blog about this!  Have some fun with it!"  And so the idea was born.  My only regret is that we didn't have this conversation before I was admitted so I could document Sunday and Monday's meals - they were gold. 

Here is how the system works (on an inverse scale):

Score of 0 = Gourmet            Score of 10 = Hospital Gourmet

+1 point: if I can't figure it out by appearance
+1 point: if I can't figure it out by smell
+1 point: if I can't figure it out by taste
+1 point: if it doesn't taste like it should
+1 point: if the texture is not what it should to be
+1 point: if it's overcooked or undercooked (overall) *
+1 point: if it's the wrong meal altogether
+1 point: if a key element of the dish is absent **
+1 point: if the temperature is wrong (i.e. warm salad or cold soup)
+1 point: if my chicken could be pigeon, my roast beef could be roadkill, or my fish could be catfood
10           = Cruel and unusual punishment. 

*  Like the time the chicken fingers were brown on the outside and raw on the inside
** Like the time I ordered chicken fingers, mashed potatoes and vegetables, and when I lifted the lid all that was on the plate was one small blob of potatoes

You can start to see that chicken fingers tends to be the fall back entree for most of us in here.  Based on the two points above, I'm really not sure why.

Stay tuned for my first review, to be published soon!